And so it begins...

08-29-2012

It's the silence that gets to me...


I dreamed, and then, when I awoke, I remembered colors.

Which ones?  I can hardly tell you.  It doesn't matter.  They will be as your are and as I am.  They mean less then the passing of the breeze.

There was a time, when I liked browns.  And there was a time when I feared all shades of green.  Why?  For either one?  I can not tell you.  It's all just shades of memories. 

There was another time still, when all of this made sense.

I remember dancing in and out of the light and shadow of sunlight cast through the kitchen window.  My mother was just a breath away.  The smells of the evening meal wafted from a sauce pan.

A broken smile creased my mother's lips.  Somewhere between the now of the moment and the imagined sanity of an ordinary life, she smiled.  And I soaked it all in, as if it was reality.

But there was always pain.

And that pain was something, that I began to understand; first through association, then by the clicking of the clock upon the wall, and inevitably through the quickening of fear in my gut.  I anticipated it, expecting it all the time.  Waiting, I tasted the sweat as it formed on my upper lip.

A  coward, always, I would become.  There could be no retribution.  I could never raise my hand in defense, outrage or shock.  Any dream of redemption was beyond my limited understanding.

As time passed, I saw the weight of these things begin to etch themselves upon my mothers face.  If I was to be of any merit at all, this I could not allow.

And so began my understanding of  the need to be quiet, to be reserved.  But also, began the time of my first "planning".  Thoughts began to "assemble" within my mind.

I would cry and giggle with equal abandon.  Surely, this was something dirty.  And surely in due course, I would be, justifiably punished.  But it became an incessant need.  I...

...this is not yet the time to, to, "relay" this information.  There must be some more appropriate protocol.  When, I have come to it's understanding, I will continue.

'Til then, I remain yours, in honest accounting.


H.W.J.H.M.